I totally forgot about Passover. It snuck up on me. I was like, "Crap!" and frantically called the Temple in town asking if I could get in on their seder.

I've been a horrible Jew lately. I haven't had time to read my Torah since I've been so busy with school, and I haven't lit my Sabbath candles in many weeks, or made Challah. :-( Not cool. It's time to get back into it.

Passover is always a hard time for me, because about 12 years ago about this time, my mom was getting sicker and sicker and eventually died. :-(

Within the past few months, I asked Rabbi Levin about prayer (like what do you pray for when you're sad, he suggested to pray for peace).

Although I talked to Rabbi Levin about this, the situation was a little weird, so I went back and talked to Rabbi Harris (the female rabbi) about date rape and abortion in Judaism. We talked for an hour over coffee in her office. She's really nice. Sadly I couldn't be there when she led the service Friday night due to a sinus infection, but she's great.

She said that in Judaism, my abortion was totally reasonable (unless you're a Chassid probably, then that's very likely something different) and I shouldn't worry about it. However we concluded that I obviously was still worried about it, and she suggested that maybe it's because I do want to be a mother some day. I think she's probably right.

Yeah, I know a while ago I said I'd update ont his "tomorrow" but I got sidetracked. More on that later.

I didn't really understand the rest of the parsha (because my JPS translation got kind of dry here and I left my ArtScroll translation in Manhattan), so I looked up "Parsha in a Nutshell" on chabad.org, and basically it sounds like Joseph's brothers come to Egypt, Joseph remembers them, but they don't remember Joseph.

Joseph saves Benjamin as his slave. The Women's Torah Book said a lot of cool things towards the end, but maybe I'll write about it later.

I'm going through a bit of a spritual dryspell. Rabbi Hillel the Elder is recorded as saying, "Don't seperate from the community". I'm not quite sure what he meant by that, but I'm assuming in a way he meant that the community helps keep a Jew Jewish. I totally agree with that, because when I stopped goign to temple on a regular basis and only going to Beth Torah when I'm home I quit doing a lot of Jewish things in Manhattan (well, yeah, I had a depressive episode, but still).

I intend to write about last weeks Torah portion, Chanakkah, and this week's Torah portion too.

It's late and I'm tired, but I started reading this week's Torah portion, which is Mikeitz (Genesis 41:1-44:17). I wanted to jot down a few thoughts about it -- since usually the only way I remember things is to react to them.

Pharaoh has two dreams. The first, is with seven healthy cows followed by seven gross looking cows. The ugly cows eat the seven healthy ones. The ugly gaunt cows ate up the seven handsome sturdy cows. And Pharaoh awoke. Genesis 41:4 Then Pharoah goes back to sleep and has a similar dream, except instead of cows, it's with healthy ears of grain and gross ears of grain.

He sends for Joseph to interpret his dreams. Joseph answered Pharoah, saying, "Not I! Gd will see to Pharoah's welfare. Genesis 41:16 Pharoah goes on to explain his dreams, And Joseph said to Pharoah, "Pharoah's deams are one and the same: Gd has told Pharoah what He is about to do. The seven healthy cows are seven years, and the seven healthy ears are seven years; it is the same dream. The seven lean and ugly cows that followed are seven years, as are also the seven empty ears scorched by the east wind; they are seven years of famine. It is just as I have told Pharoah: Gd has revealed to Pharoah what he is about to do. Immediately ahead are seven years of great abundance in all the land of Egypt. After them will come seven years of famine, and all the abundance in the land of Egypt will be forgotten. As the land is ravaged by famine, no trace of the abundance will be left in the land because of the famine thereafter, for it will be very severe. As for Pharoah having had the same dream twice, it means that the matter has been determined by Gd, and that Gd will soon carry it out. Genesis 41:25-32

After saying all this to Pharoah, Joseph then advises Pharoah to find a wise man to administer Egypt's affairs of state. Most important, this man should supervise the collection of an annual percentage of the food harvest to be set aside for the seven years of scarcity, 'so that the land may not perish in the famine.' p. 80, Biblical Literacy by Telushkin

Pharoah gives Joseph a position of second in command and has Joseph dressed in nice cloathing. He also gives him a new name, Zaphenath-paneah, which means "Gd speaks, he lives" or "creator of life". (Jewish Study Bible, p. 83) Pharoah also gave Joseph a wife named Asenath, daughter of Poti-phera, priest of On. (From "Jewish Study Bible", p. 83: In Egyptian, Asenath means "the one who belongs to the goddess". Since Jewish law does not recognize any marriage between a Jew and a Gentile, Jewish tradition came to interpret Asenath as the proto-typical convert to Judaism. Her powerful story is told at length in an important Hellenistic novella, 'Joseph and Asenath'.)

During the years of abundance, Joseph collected the grain of the land. Joseph also became the father of two sons before the years of famine happened. Just after the seven years of abundance, the seven years of famine set in just as Joseph had said. However, the famine, speread over the entire world.

That's about half the Torah portion. I'll finish the rest tomorrow. However, I would like to say I started reading the commentary on this parsha in my Women's Torah Book. Rabbi Debra Robbins (p. 99) cites Joseph as "The most famous dreamer in the Torah". Of course, being a feminist book, this commentary spends a great deal of time talking about Asnat (or Asenath, same person just different spelling), even though her name is only mentioned three times in the entire text of the Torah.

Rabbi Robbins says, The rabbis of the midrash work hard to fill in the details of Asnat's life. They want to make her belong to the Israelite people, to explain why Joseph married a pagan woman. Rabbi Robbins goes on to say that the rabbis in the Talmud tried to give Asnat the following personality when Robbins went on to say the following: When Dinah was raped by Shechem, Jacob sent her away. But before doing so, he tied a disc around her neck to indicate that she was a member of his family. The legend indicates that the daughter whom Dinah gave birth to was Asnat. Asnat was then abandoned by Dinah and adopted by the house of Potiphar, where she witnessed and later testified (as an infant!) that it was Potiphar's wife who seduced Joseph and not Joseph who made the sexual advances.

Although the rabbis tried to give her personality, they didn't give her what every young woman needs: ambitions, hopes, faith and dreams for the future (p. 101). As of now, she is unlike Joseph in that regard (let me see what the feminist Torah book says tomorrow...)

...more tomorrow!

I've got some time now since it's winter break, so I will be updating this journal more. I've really missed my spritual journal.

I saw Rabbi Levin today for some spritual counseling. He's a great guy, but the situation was a little weird. I didn't think it would be, but it was. I think I need to keep anything that has anythign to do with sex limited to my gender.

He suggested reading the bible daily instead of one swoop every week, maybe that would help me feel uplifted, since I mentioned that was one of the things I do to help me feel better. Hmm.

Since I’ve talked about sex a lot in life recently, I thought it’d be best to post here that I am atually not a big, “OMG WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE MARRIED!” person. In Junior High there was a Christian group that showed up after school that gave us True Love Waits card (probably a part of the Southern Baptist Church, but I didn’t know that at the time). I didn’t sign it. Not because I intended to go out and have lots of sex, but because I already knew that at 13 years old I had no idea what I was waiting for or what I wanted to do and felt I was too young to make such a decision. My mom had always told me before she died that she hoped I would wait until I was married because she did and it turned out to be the best for her, so I knew it was important, I just didn’t know why.

I, personally, intend to wait (my therapist says I’m a pseudo-virgin), but I would never tell someone else to wait unless they thought it was right for them. When people confide in me about sex I make sure to educate them about birth control and try to make sure they’re safe, but I’d never guilt trip them.

I don’t think that’s the G-dly way to act. Sure, I think it'd be hard to be religious and not be abstinant, but that's my perspective.

I think it's amazing that my spiritual awakening was strong enough to make me want to get a job and work for a trip to Israel. However I will likely not be going to Israel for a while because I'm dealing with mental illness. I will likely drain my savings account to see a clinical psychologist once a week. They're about $80 a session. I need to see one once a week for about six months.

I haven't read my bible for several weeks, and that makes me sad. I was so excited to start Genesis! Rabbi Levin said in one of his sermons that when you're angry/depressed, you can't be spritual because you're focused on yourself. I think that's what's happened here.

Time to get back on top of it and work it back into my life! I've been lighting my Shabbos candles every week, but that's about all I've been doing for my Judaism lately. I need to get back into it -- it makes me feel so good.

Sorry I haven't updated much. I've been pretty busy with school, SAI, and therapy. Blah. I'll update again before too long.

In the words of Carrie Underwood, "Lord I feel so small sometimes, in this big old place, don't forget to rememer me!"

I was messing around on the internet, got on LiveJournal, and I got those letters in my brain again, the same ones I get when I pray with my "prayer candle", the ones I refer to as Gd. They said, "Contact Robin". I thought to myself, "Ooooh no Gd, what do you want from me here? I can't do this!"

"Just do it."

I did, Robin was online, and he agreed to call me.

I explained how he raped me 2 years ago and how I was in agony about it being my fault and that it was date rape. He said he had figured that that is what it was for the past few years too but didn't want to admit it to himself. He also said, "It's not your fault, Adele!" I told him I had the option of turning him in but that I wasn't going to. He asked, "So what do you want from me?"

I said, "I want your honest and sincere apology, and I want you to promise me you will never ever do that to another girl again."

He agreed.

We talked for a little longer, and then we evnetually hung up. I can finally be at peace.

That I don't want to be a professional performer or a tenure track position voice teacher.

People have asked me what happens to people in other religions if you're not Jewish, since most conservative Christians believe that non-Christians are going to burn in Hell for not accepting Jesus as their lord and savior. It is imprtant to note that to my understanding, when Jews refer to savior in prayers, they are refering to Gd, not moschiach!!!

Honestly, Jews don't spend a lot of time talking about the afterlife, because if you look at Torah, they're obsessed with the here and the now. Most of the afterlife theologies where taken from parts of Daniel and Ezikiel, and then elaborated on by the rabbis of the Talmud. Since then, Jews have not only taken those theologies, but other theologies as well. Modern Judaism is kind of "anything goes". When I say "Modern" and "Liberal" Judaism I'm usually refering to the liberal movements of conservative and reform Judaism, NOT the Modern Orthodox movement.

Ok, Judaism and other religions: we have something called the "Noahide Laws", the laws for the righteous gentiles. I'm pretty sure that as long as you follow these, you can get into Olam Haba, the "Jewish Heaven" (I'm going to look into more information on the Jewish Afterlife, but I'm going to call it that for now).

These are recorded in the Talmud, which says that they were given by Gd to Noah as commandments for all humanity, regardless of your religion.

Noahide Laws

1. Prohibition of Idolatry: You shall not have any idols before God. (Personally, I think that this law is just saying that you have to treat Gd with respect. If you don't believe in Gd, then you have to respect people who do.)
2. Prohibition of Murder: You shall not murder. (Genesis 9:6)
3. Prohibition of Theft: You shall not steal.
4. Prohibition of Sexual Promiscuity: You shall not commit adultery.
5. Prohibition of Blasphemy: You shall not blaspheme God's name.
6. Dietary Law: Do not eat flesh taken from an animal while it is still alive. (Genesis 9:4)
7. Requirement to have just Laws: You shall set up an effective judiciary to enforce the preceding six laws fairly.

Since I've talked to Christians about this: as far as other religions, it kind of bugs me that conservative Christianity teaches that if you're not Christian, you're going to Hell. So for being who I am, I'm going to Hell? Judaism is more then a religion to me -- it's who I am. I don't feel comfortable in churches. I loved the Catholic Church when I visited (less creepy then the ELCA Lutheran Church I visited), but it's not something I can convert to.

The Hebrew month of Tishrei is filled with Jewish holidays (p. 629, “Jewish Literacy”). The Jewish Holiday Calender starts with Rosh Hashannah, then the holiest day of the Jewish year, Yom Kippur, and after this sad day goes straight into the happy Sukkot, followed by Shmini Atzeret and Simkhat Torah. In a way, the Sukkot/Shmini Atzeret/Simkhat Torah festivities are like a huge festival, and not so much an isolated holiday.

Sukkot marks the harvest time during the fall. Rabbi Scheinerman says on her website that: “It is a festival devoted to thanksgiving for the abundance of life. In ancient times, the final agricultural harvest took place in the beginning of the autumn and following the intensely busy work of harvesting people would celebrate their abundance and give thanks to God.” (scheinerman.net). Later, this holiday became associated with the 40 years of wandering we did in the wilderness.

This holiday reminds us that the earth and everything in it, including a good harvest, is also the work of Gd. We spend this holiday thanking Gd and rejoicing in Gd’s goodness. In a way, this holiday is kind of like Jewish Thanksgiving!

Sukkot is first mentioned in the book of Leviticus. The Torah says: The Lord spoke to Moses, saying: Say to the Israelite people: on the 15th day of this seventh month there shall be the Feast of Tabernacles to the Lord, [to last] seven days. The first day shall be a sacred occasion: you shall not work at your occupations; seven days you shall bring offering by fire to the Lord. On the eighth day you shall observe a sacred occasion (Shmini Atzeret) and bring an offering by fire to the Lord, it is a solemn gathering: you shall not work at your occupations (Lev. 23:33-36).

The Hebrew word, Sukkot, actually means “huts” or “booths”. It has also been referred to as “tabernacles”, which is actually derived from the Latin word tabernaculum, meaning ‘a hut, a temporary shelter’ (p. 248 in Kolatch’s “Jewish Book of Why”). It refers to the annual Jewish festival of giving thanks for a bountiful fall harvest and commemorating the forty years of Jewish wandering in the desert after Sinai (from urj.org). In the Reform Movement, it’s observed for seven days, in the Conservative and Orthodox Movement, it’s observed for eight days.

It’s interesting to note that this holiday happens five days after Yom Kippur, which is quite a dramatic switch, seeing as Yom Kippur is one of the saddest days on the Jewish calendar while Sukkot is one of the happiest. Sukkot is the last of the Shalosh R’galim (three pilgrimage festivals), the others being Passover and Shavu’ot. These “Pilgrim Festivals” are referred to as such because it was on these holidays that all men were required to make a pilgrimage to the Temple in Jerusalem (p. 249, Jewish Book of Why). This requirement is called for in Exodus 23:17: Three times a year all your males shall appear before Gd (JPS Translation).

Like the other Shalosh R’galim, Sukkot has dual significance: historical and agricultural. Agriculturally, Sukkot is a harvest festival, and historically, Sukkot commemorates the 40 year period during which the children of Israel were wandering in the desert, living in temporary shelters (jewfaq.org).

Sukkot is not just a historically or agriculturally significant holiday. It has spiritual significance as well. By building a Sukkah and eating in it during this holiday, we are remembering our trust in Gd’s protection during our long time spent in the desert and thanking Gd for it. This holiday emphasizes the faith that somehow Gd provides for man’s needs, and that man in turn must be grateful (Donin, “To Be a Jew”, p. 250).

This holiday is referred to as several things, including Hag HaAsif, “The Festival of Ingathering” observed at the end of the year when you gather in the results of your work from the field (Donin, p. 251). In Orthodox prayer books, it’s referred to as “the season of our rejoicing”, zman simhatainu. There is an entire sent of rules for construction of the Sukkah as well.

The Union for Reform Judaism web page said the following about the construction of the Sukkah: A Sukkah is to have at least three walls with a superstructure, while the fourth may be open. The walls may be constructed of any material, generally canvas, wood, or metal. Today, it is possible to buy ready-to-assembly Sukkah kits. Some people like to decorate their Sukkah with fruits, pictures or tapestries. A Sukkah is very flimsily constructed, as a way to remember the ones constructed by the Israelites and bring today’s Jews closer to the feeling of insecurity experienced by the Israelites in the desert (p. 250, “Jewish Book of Why”).

In addition to laws about Sukkah construction, there are also laws about eating in the Sukkah as well. When I lived as a Modern Orthodox Jew 10 years ago, my family and I ate all of our meals in the Sukkah. Most Orthodox Jews I know continue to do this. It is not required to eat a snack in the Sukkah. However, if there is bread with the meal, it is always classified as regular (Donin, p. 252).

In addition to the Sukkah, there are several other “trademarks” of this holiday, such as the etrog (citron), lulav (a palm branch), hadas (myrtle branch), and arava (a willow branch). The most famous “trademarks” outside of the Sukkah are definitely the lulav and the etrog. Jews from the more liberal movements of Judaism might be surprised to learn that Orthodox Jews have been known to spend $50-100 or more on a perfect etrog! (p. 630, “Jewish Literacy”) This is specifically commanded in the Torah: On the first day you shall take the product of citron trees, branches of palm trees, boughs of leafy trees, and willows of the brook, and you shall rejoice before the Lord your Gd seven days (Lev. 23:40). The lulav and etrog are also held during the recitation of the Hallel, the psalms in praise of Gd (Donin, p. 255). “Give thanks unto Gd, for Gd is good, for Gd’s kindness endures forever!”

I’m considering buying Mishkan T'filah, the Reform Movement’s new prayer book when I get money. Might not be for a while, in fact I may have to wait several months, but I will eventually buy it. Just entertaining that idea feels like filing for divorce. Not sure what I'll do with my ArtScroll one.

After I did my reading into Modern Orthodox Judaism and decided that I felt the more Liberal Jewish movements had more truth for me, I tried to live as anti-Orthodox as possible. I’ve noticed that I really seem to assoiciate how I lived my life as an ultra-Orthodox Jew with how I think of Judaism. Having a Havdallah service (Havdallah is Hebrew for “seperation”, it’s the ritual that ends the Sabbath) really has no significance if I haven’t been doing anything on the Sabbath that makes me think of the Shabbos I experienced as an ultra-Orthodox Jew.

My former Orthodox life really shapes how I think of Judaism, even if I am no longer Orthodox. I’ve quit driving on Shabbos, unless it’s too synagoge or to a park to help me get the most out of the Sabbath, but never for work or shopping purposes. Unless absolutely necessary, I don’t spend money on the Sabbath anymore, because a) it makes me worry about money which isn’t in the spirit of the Sabbath and b) it makes someone else work on the Sabbath.

I don’t use my gas stove on the Sabbath, it’s lighting a fire. I use paper plates, because I hate washing dishes, so for me, using paper plates is a huge break. I don’t awnser my phone, check email, or check Facebook. I check the emails from Hillel since I kind of have to on that day, but other then that….I rest a lot.

This last week’s Torah portion was the song of Moses in Deuteronomy (chapters 32:1-52). After he gives his little “song”, he says to the people: (Deut. 32:46) Take to heart all the words with which I have warned you this day. Enjoin them upon your children, that they may observe faithfully all the terms of this Teaching (JPS Translation). In ArtScroll, my other translation of the Tanakh, it says “Torah” instead of teaching, but Torah literally means “teachings” or “instructions”, so that makes sense.

Further on in the parsha for last week it says that Gd said to Moses that he could ascend to the heights of Mt. Nebo and view the Promised Land but that he couldn’t go into it. Gd says to Moses that he will die on the mountain that he is about to ascend (kind of like Aaron dying on Mt. Hor earlier in the Torah). Gd says, You may view the land from a distance, but you shall not enter it – the land that I am giving to the Israelite people. (Deut. 32:52).

Rabbi Nina Cardin points out in my Women’s Torah Commentary (p. 390) that the Jews are expecting words of hope, comfort, and encouragement since Moses is at the end of his life, they are about to have a new leader, and Moses has been a good, strong leader for them. Unlike the earlier generation in the Book of Numbers, they didn’t constantly rebel against Gd.

Instead of kind words of encouragement, they are in for words of anger and betrayal:
Gd said:
I will hide my countenance from them,
And see how they fare in the end.
For they are a treacherous breed,
Children with no loyalty in them
They incensed me with no-gods,
Vexed me with their futilities,
I’ll incense them with a no folk,
Vex them with a nation of fools.
--Deut. 32:20-21

Rabbi Cardin brings up a few interesting points about this parsha: Scholars conjecture that this poem, for that is what most of the parsha is, does not belong here. It was not crafted as part of Moses’ farewell at all. Rather it was created later, most likely sometime after the conquest of the land of Israel. It was imported later to this parsha because of its grand language and in retrospect, accurate prophecy.

She (Rabbi Cardin) notes that it’s purpose was probably not to speak harshly at a vulnerable time for Israel, as all the verbs discussing Israel’s wrongdoing are in the past tense. Cardin says, This poem leaves the people believing that although Gd punishes them (the Jews), Gd still loves them unconditionally and that after they are punished, they will be forgiven. Gd will come to their aid and they will be victorious once again! (p. 392, Women’s Torah).

Line she was referring to was:
O nations, acclaim his people
For Gd will avenge the blood of His servants
Wreak vengeance on His foes
And cleanse the land of His people (Deut. 32:43)

I really enjoyed how Rabbi Cardin goes on to say that even though perhaps this was not exactly when the actual poem was said, the context is towards the end of Torah at a crucial time for the Jews. Perhaps the significance is like a medical prognosis, we want a truthful picture of what is/has happened, plot how long it will take us to recover and what we will be like when and if we do. Knowing the details isn’t cruel, but in fact can be helpful.

I find the song of Moses to be a particularly hard read. Deut. in general is a pretty hard read, because it’s basically one long speech, as opposed to Genesis, Exodus and Numbers, which read more like novels then slow speeches. In fact, Moses farewell speech pretty much takes up the entire book of Deuteronomy. She ended with the idea that this poem is like Gd responding to rebellious children in a motherly way, which I thought was interesting. Yet feminist Torah interpretations, hehe. Thinking of Gd as a mother in a way is interesting, and less scary then a "father" in my opinion. Glad this one wasn't as crazy as some of the other Feminist Torah ideas in that book....

I’ve noticed that since my spiritual awakening when I started reading the Tanakh and my weekly commentaries in addition to all the sermons I’ve heard by Rabbi Levin, I’ve noticed I’ve been thinking about life in amazing, insightful and logical patterns that I’ve never thought in before. Even Holly noticed a difference. This just goes to show that sometimes, it is only in Gd that any logical reasoning can be found. :-)

I really believe that my spiritual awakening that happened about eight months ago was so that I could face the flashbacks of an event that happened with my ex in a stronger way then I could previously. I’m confident that if I didn’t have the spiritual awakening beforehand and have read all the religious reading I did this summer, I wouldn’t have faced the flashbacks of said event with as much strength as I have been. That makes me happy.

At the Yom Kippur service at Beth Torah on Thursday, I was amazed. It was the first Yom Kippur service that I had been to in ten years, and I felt myself finally start to let go of my hurt that I’d bottled up about this situation with my ex that I’d kept inside me for three years. I felt like for the first time, I could embrace some of the positive about that seventeen year old girl I was before I met Robin and take it into my life now, while still keeping my insight as a 21 year old.

Since I’m trying hard to be vague since I don’t know who will run across this but most of you already know what I’m talking about, I’ll just say that it felt amazing to begin to forgive myself. When I say forgive I don’t mean that I did a lot wrong, but as in let go of the hurt I’ve kept bottled up for about three years.

The Yom Kippur morning service seemed to drag on – until the part in the liturgy happened where the people in the congregation gently “slap” themselves over the heart for a long list of sins called the “Al Chet” (“For The Sin”). There was a part in Gates of Repentance, the reform holiday prayer book, in which they get to a part about sexual sins and sins commited in a loving relationship. I stated crying. Luckily they were just tears dripping down and not a full fledged explozian like I’d been having all week, but they were tears just the same. I don’t think anybody saw though.

During Yizkor in the afternoon, a prayer service for the dead, not only did I think about my mother, but the fact that being with my ex symbolized the death of myself. A self that I had loved, even if I didn’t have the best sense of confidence about myself.

I cried again. A real cry this time. I was in the front row, and no one else was sitting up there with me. I rose my copy of Gates of Repentance to my face and cried to myself. Then Rabbi Levin gave a small sermon, asking us if that day were the end of our lives if we’d be happy with it and if not then we were challenged to ask ourselves what we should be changing. Of course I was thinking about not letting this thing with my ex get to me and allow it to help me grow. We again were challenged to go through life, living it as if each day were our last. Of course I was crying like crazy by then, and at the end of Yizkor I turned around and cried privately so Rabbi Levin wouldn’t see.

I cried terribly. So bad you would have thought something very horrible had happened to me. I started to feel the innocent, girl who had the upmost respect for religion come back into my body, transformed with a mix of the insightful and newly spritual girl that exists now.

I think, though, that really I cried because I was beginning to understand what Gd expected of me as a person and discovering more of myself with every Gdly encounter that I had had. I could feel Gd stripping away my pain and hurt, and transforming it with the young me of high school.

Now, as a senior in college, having her back feels great.

I think that "Liberal Jew", used as a term for lumping conservative and reform together is acurate. My views don't entirely work with conservative, and they don't all entirely work with reform either. So I'm....a consereform Jew? Heh.

After I figure out my personal Gd theology, I'm going to figue out what I believe about the afterlife. There isn't much of a unified opinion on the afterlife in Judaism, you could go just about anywhere with it, but I'm going to figure out what I personally believe.

I am finding more and more that although I'm "converting" to Liberal Judaism, that my religious self and history are both very much defined by my orthodox upbringing and experiences. In fact, to me, my opinions and memories about Judaism in general are remembered by how I experienced my religious life as an Orthodox Jew.

If I tell people I’ve returned to Judaism, they automatically think I mean Orthodox Judaism, like the Jews in Fiddler on the Roof. I think it was Kaplan who said that there are many Jewish religions under the Judaism umbrella. He was right.

Before I decided to investigate the Reform Movement, I ventured back into Chabad after I decided to become “more Jewish”, since that was the Judaism I had known and grew up with and thought that that would likely be the Judaism I’d return to.

I remembered why I left the community. They couldn’t talk about anything but Judaism: all they wanted to talk about was Torah, Talmud, and the Zohar. True, I myself have been guilty of talking about nothing of Judaism and the Torah lately, but they didn’t want to have any intellectual discussions about Beethoven, Einstein, Rashi and what he did for Judaism (I don’t mean just Chabad, I mean his history as a person), Martin Luther and the Protestant Reformation (Gd forbid I bring up Christianity….meh), Evolution, the Big Bang Theory, and countless other topics that excite my mind. Not to mention I still seem to be looked down upon because I’m the daughter of a convert and have dreams of singing for the public, even men, in my future.

In my opinion, Orthodox Judaism (Modern Orthodox Judaism generally isn't as bad though) is all about power, politics, rules, strictness, and control. What they forget is that it should be about Gd and the good old fashioned principal that Hillel tried to teach over and over again: “Love thy neighbor”. Judging them because they don’t observe all the Jewish rituals you do isn’t loving them.

I admit, I too, turned my nose up at Reform Judaism for the longest time. Originally I did intend to become an Orthodox Jew again, but the more research I did, the more I found that the Reform Movement was what I believed to be true, mostly anyway.

On July 12, my birthday, I made my venture to Congregation Beth Torah, about 2 months after I had made my venture back to Chabad and decided I couldn’t partake in Orthodoxy. Previously I had heard their main rabbi, Rabbi Levin’s sermons on the internet and fell in love with them and decided to check that synagogue out.

My first visit at Beth Torah was led by their associate rabbi, who was, in fact, a woman: Rabbi Harris. This was something I’d never experienced before, a sermon being given by a woman! At first it was odd. Then Rabbi Harris allowed me to make my first allyoit (blessing, something done every Shabbos) to the Torah, which was scary but fun, now I can say I did it! The guitar music and the higher octave of the Jewish sounding folk music sung by the very feminine cantor were all new ideas to me. However, I decided that that was were I’d stay (it also made the feminist in me very happy).

If dad ever straight out asks me why I chose Reform Judaism, of course the answer in my heart is, “Because that is what I believe in my heart to be true” but that sounds holier then thou, so I’d just say, “because it’s where I feel the most comfortable.”

The problem I’ve had with Judaism, ever since my mom died, was Gd. When I was about six, I got really mad at her and prayed that she’d die, long before I knew of her diagnoses. As a kid I was certain that Gd had listened, and got not only angry at Gd but angry at myself.

Now, as an adult, I’ve come to realize that the death of my mother isn’t really anyone’s fault. I have two theories on this: Gd created life, and unfortunately, death is a part of life, and certain people die quicker then others.

Secondly, I really think that her death is, in a way, in her hands too. She felt lumps long before she went to the doctor, inside, she knew that she had cancer, but refused to do anything about it. I believe Gd helps those who help themselves. Gd has given man the knowledge to invent things like mammogram machines and the like, she had the option of getting one, chose not to.

I’m not mad at her anymore though. Sad she’s gone, yes, mad, no.

Instead of avoiding my Judaism due to anger at her death and anger at the Chassidic Jews in general for a fairly sheltered lifestyle, I’ve embraced my Judaism in other ways as a way to servce myself, Gd, and as a way to remember my mother.

Or for the case with my ex. And Gd created man in G’ds image, in the image of the Lord male and female were created. (Genesis 1:27). Personally I think that that means all humans were given the right to chose between good and evil, like Gd.

Side comment about that: in Judaism, we do not have a devil. Gd also creates evil. We see this logic rooted in the Tanakh (Jewish Bible):

I am the Lord and there is none else.
Beside me there is no Gd.
I engird you, though you have not known me
So that they may know, from east to west,
That there is none but Me.
I am the lord and there is none else,
I form light and create darkness,
I make weal and create woe
I the Lord do all these things.
--Isaiah 45:5-7

This basically says Gd creates the bad and the good. However, this raises a theological question: is human suffering the will of Gd? If Gd creates all these things then how can we, as Jews, pray to this Gd every Saturday in synagoge?

Gd created order out of chaos (p. 36, "The Way Into Encountering Gd in Judaism"); In the beginning Gd created the heaven and earth, the earth being unformed and void, with darkness over the surface of the deep and a wind from Gd sweeping over the water (Genesis 1:1-2). Talmudic rabbis would probably insist that Gd created the earth out of nothing (if one looks at the big bang theory, in a way, this is actually true).

In verse 4 in Genesis it states, Gd saw that the light was good, and Gd separated the light from the darkness. This implies that Gd created both the light and the dark, obviously if Gd separated them, the Lord had to create both of them to begin with! In fact, if they were created together to begin with (obviously they were or Gd wouldn’t have had to separate them…) then perhaps as humans we are limited by our perception and that what is perceived as evil to us at the time could later come as something good, such as my situation with my ex and how it has made me the insightful, happy and friendly person I am now. :-) Good always triamphs in the end.